I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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