Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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