If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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