1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
