shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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