I just pynch a tree in the face
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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