i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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