Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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