What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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