Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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