u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Randomize
