so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The power of my boobs compel you
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
