He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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