I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
