Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
