he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
we should paint friendship bongs
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