my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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