It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
