I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
she pinky promised me she was 18
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
