I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Sext me about skeletons
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
