How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
