the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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