I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
God I need to hump something, right now.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
