Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
