Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
