zippers are such a cool invention
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
