I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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