Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
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Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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