k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
