You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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