There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
