I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
