I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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