is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i wish my penis had a tongue
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
