The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
