I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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