i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
