Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
