If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
