The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
