My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
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