you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
