Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
