a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
