I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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