Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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