TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize
