yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
