first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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