i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
