He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
