i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
