When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
