bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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