No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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