I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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