It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
