every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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