Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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