Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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