I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
