He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize